maandag 1 maart 2010

IDF Field Hospitals and Obama's Health Care Plan

Warning: satire!

A new twist on relations when President Obama asks the IDF to deploy field hospitals in US cities.

President Barack Obama and Congress broke their deadlock over universal health care by securing IDF field hospitals for major US cities.

"After reading Start Up Nation and watching videos of Israelis in Haiti curing cancer without electricity, I thought, 'Why not here too?'" the president said. "So I called my friend and UN basketball teammate, Benjamin Netanyahu. His answer was simply, 'Yes we can.'"

The field hospitals will be deployed in large US cities and at least one to each state, pending Knesset approval.

The Israeli parliament is expected to easily ratify the arrangement. It reportedly includes a US agreement to turn a blind eye to any settlement activity in eastern Jerusalem that can be reasonably linked to universal health care.

"We'll launch housing developments in Sheikh Jarrah, Gilo, and Maale Adumim for Kupat Cholim HMO employees, clients and their Facebook friends," said an official in Prime Minister's office. He spoke on condition of anonymity because he is Facebook friends with numerous Kupat Cholim clients.

Congressional leaders praised the health venture, dubbed "AshkenaziCare" after IDF chief of staff Gabi Ashkenazi.

"This is a big day for America," said House speaker Nancy Pelosi. "When it comes to health care, aviation security, green tech, and the targeted killings of Islamic arms dealers, the American public recognizes Israeli expertise."

Pelosi confirmed that Saudi field hospitals were briefly considered, "but we couldn't overcome their insistence on female patients wearing hijabs."

Not everyone is happy with Israel's medical service though.

While covering search and rescue efforts in Haiti, Swedish journalist Donald Bostrom visited the field hospital.

"Their questionnaire indicated I was a high risk for colon cancer, so they gave me a routine check up just to be sure," said Bostrom, speaking by phone from Stockholm.

"When I woke up from the test, my left eye was glued shut, and I had the most ghastly stitches across my abdomen and chest. I later learned they took a kidney, an eyeball, part of my liver, a segment of my lung, and a pint of blood without my permission. Field hospitals in the US will be a front for a vast, illicit organ trade."

Israeli spokesman Mark Regev responded that Bostrom was off the mark.

"When global warming and Iranian nukes bring about a post-apocalyptic world, the American public will be our source of food," said Regev. "Of course, Israel prefers not to store their American friends in stasis chambers and eat them; the children deserve a better future. However, worst case scenarios must be prudently planned for."

Citing privacy issues, Regev refused to comment on the specifics of Bostrom's medical file.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said transparency will come from multiple independent medical expert monitors, including Professors Stephen Walt and John Mearsheimer, Jon Stewart, the British Medical Journal, and Huffington Post bloggers.

Palestinians expressed cautious disappointment over the US-Israeli health care venture. "The Arab world has produced some outstanding doctors too," said senior Hamas official Dr. Mahmoud Zahar. He went on to cite Ayman al-Zawahri, George Habash, Mohammed al-Hindi, Abdel Aziz Rantisi, and Bashar Assad as examples.

From Honest Reporting

HonestReporting's Dubai Mission a Big Hit

Warning: satire!

What the media isn't telling you about HonestReporting's recent Dubai mission.

Dubai requested an Interpol arrest warrant for the first British expat living in Israel to confirm being in the Al Bustan Rotana Hotel on the day Mahmoud al-Mabhouh was mysteriously killed.

"Our CCTV security footage shows Suzanne Lieberman and a group of HonestReporting mission participants walking into a room, putting on wigs, masks, army surplus camouflage, then following Mabhouh to his room," said Dubai police chief Lt. Gen. Dahi Khalfan.

In footage viewed by reporters, Lieberman was clearly seen helping a white-haired lady in a walker put on a balaclava and test some electronic equipment.

Mrs. Lieberman, the missions director of HonestReporting, a Jerusalem-based non-governmental organization, denied any connection to the affair, explaining that her group came to watch Israel's Shahar Peer compete in the Barclays Dubai Tennis Championship.

"We arrived early to settle in. Because of this bloody murder, we had to leave before the tournament began. All my people are demanding a refund now," she said.

Asked about the disguises and electronic equipment, Mrs. Lieberman claimed they were purchased in Dubai airport's duty free shop in advance of the Purim holiday, when people dress up in costumes.

"It's not like in America. You can buy all kinds of things in the airport and take it in your carry on," Mrs. Lieberman said. "The prices were great, and my kids thought the spy gear was really cool – until the electronic things broke as soon as the kids tried to use them. Do you really think we could kill anyone with duty free junk?"

Dubai has not yet released the names of the other HonestReporting mission participants. "We'll keep this in the news cycle by publicizing more names and security footage at periodic intervals," said Khalfan. "There's no rush to put all our cards on the table now."

Mrs. Lieberman refused to identify the other participants. HonestReporting's Dubai Tennis and Targeted Killing Mission was known to be traveling as a group of 43, along with Mideast tennis analyst Caroline Glick.

Interpol Secretary General Ronald Noble said the issue of Israeli involvement in the assassination could be clarified with arrest warrants for all Israeli citizens, and called on Israel's government to cooperate.

"If all seven million Israelis are innocent, the government should have nothing to hide," said Noble.

Peer lost to tournament winner Venus Williams.

Williams, a US citizen, denied reports that she travelled with a British passport under the name Jane Moneypenny. The Irish Times claimed she scouted the Burj Khalifa observation deck as a possible Mossad safehouse. The 124th floor viewing platform was closed indefinitely under mysterious circumstances only one month after the building opened to the public.

HonestReporting staffers refused to confirm or deny plans for future missions, citing an official policy of ambiguity.

From Honest Reporting