maandag 1 maart 2010

IDF Field Hospitals and Obama's Health Care Plan

Warning: satire!

A new twist on relations when President Obama asks the IDF to deploy field hospitals in US cities.

President Barack Obama and Congress broke their deadlock over universal health care by securing IDF field hospitals for major US cities.

"After reading Start Up Nation and watching videos of Israelis in Haiti curing cancer without electricity, I thought, 'Why not here too?'" the president said. "So I called my friend and UN basketball teammate, Benjamin Netanyahu. His answer was simply, 'Yes we can.'"

The field hospitals will be deployed in large US cities and at least one to each state, pending Knesset approval.

The Israeli parliament is expected to easily ratify the arrangement. It reportedly includes a US agreement to turn a blind eye to any settlement activity in eastern Jerusalem that can be reasonably linked to universal health care.

"We'll launch housing developments in Sheikh Jarrah, Gilo, and Maale Adumim for Kupat Cholim HMO employees, clients and their Facebook friends," said an official in Prime Minister's office. He spoke on condition of anonymity because he is Facebook friends with numerous Kupat Cholim clients.

Congressional leaders praised the health venture, dubbed "AshkenaziCare" after IDF chief of staff Gabi Ashkenazi.

"This is a big day for America," said House speaker Nancy Pelosi. "When it comes to health care, aviation security, green tech, and the targeted killings of Islamic arms dealers, the American public recognizes Israeli expertise."

Pelosi confirmed that Saudi field hospitals were briefly considered, "but we couldn't overcome their insistence on female patients wearing hijabs."

Not everyone is happy with Israel's medical service though.

While covering search and rescue efforts in Haiti, Swedish journalist Donald Bostrom visited the field hospital.

"Their questionnaire indicated I was a high risk for colon cancer, so they gave me a routine check up just to be sure," said Bostrom, speaking by phone from Stockholm.

"When I woke up from the test, my left eye was glued shut, and I had the most ghastly stitches across my abdomen and chest. I later learned they took a kidney, an eyeball, part of my liver, a segment of my lung, and a pint of blood without my permission. Field hospitals in the US will be a front for a vast, illicit organ trade."

Israeli spokesman Mark Regev responded that Bostrom was off the mark.

"When global warming and Iranian nukes bring about a post-apocalyptic world, the American public will be our source of food," said Regev. "Of course, Israel prefers not to store their American friends in stasis chambers and eat them; the children deserve a better future. However, worst case scenarios must be prudently planned for."

Citing privacy issues, Regev refused to comment on the specifics of Bostrom's medical file.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said transparency will come from multiple independent medical expert monitors, including Professors Stephen Walt and John Mearsheimer, Jon Stewart, the British Medical Journal, and Huffington Post bloggers.

Palestinians expressed cautious disappointment over the US-Israeli health care venture. "The Arab world has produced some outstanding doctors too," said senior Hamas official Dr. Mahmoud Zahar. He went on to cite Ayman al-Zawahri, George Habash, Mohammed al-Hindi, Abdel Aziz Rantisi, and Bashar Assad as examples.

From Honest Reporting